I didn’t realize it had been so long since I had posted but as soon as the National Championship hoopla was over we got super busy with Russell’s travel soccer team, lots of early practices and travel etc. It was a fun ride, the boys won their division in the ECNL Champions League to make it to PlayOffs in San Diego. Of course you want to win every game and have every chance to advance but the boys ended with a 1-1 tie, 0-1 loss and d a 2-1 win. I was proud of Russell, I think he played hard, had fun with his teammates and was the best travel partner. We look forward to the busy high school Fall Soccer Season and will jump back into club by mid-November.

He’s a pretty great travel buddy! We are a good team and I have to love that he is NOT a morning person either! This boy challenges me but feeds my soul. Love you baby!

Since we didn’t make it to Thursday games we left on Wednesday to get some extra days at home, work for me and golf for Russell. He’s got the Golf bug BAD! Not such a bad thing but I’m always bugging him about eating and staying hydrated. His 16th birthday can’t come soon enough and as of today we are 12 days out. This month is insane, we are travelling pretty much every week for something or another and I have to try and get my 8 hr+ work day in on the road. Thankfully work is a stress reliever so I enjoy the distraction and process.

July 4th looked a lot different this year, the kids were scattered living their best lives. I was reminiscing on all the years past on friend’s boats, at cookouts doing fun Fam Bam time but truly was so happy my 3 were with the people they adore and enjoy. As luck would have it my bestie friend Stephanie had a light schedule too so we enjoyed her pool and talked our faces off. She’s had cancer twice and GETS all of it. She amazes me and says I amaze her which seems crazy to me. Our ying and yang of cancer is a very good fit.

I’ve been on a good clip these last few months, maybe too busy to think, took wrapped up in work and properly distracted by friends doing fun things, celebrating my birthday the entire month of June (always my favorite way to celebrate) but today was a fun screecher. I’m not sure what prompted it besides Facebook memories of time spent as a family, hard memories from the journey the last year and just feeling so super single. Not single in a dating way but SINGLE like I’m in charge of this shit show and more than half the time have no idea if I’m doing it right. I’m thankful that home feels like home. It feels warm and cozy and not sad. I think a big part of that comes from the conversation we had with Brad about his plan and we couldn’t include a medical facility that would limit visitors. I’ll never forget his face…wide eyed and like “ok if you all want me to die in this house, okay.” It was a sacred process and I wouldn’t have wanted him anywhere else than right with us. Daily reminders are all around and to be honest it can be exhausting trying to process grief.

I have partnered with a friend to help her with some software for companies that help employees through the illness, caregiving and grieving process. I typed out my timeline and notes for her on my way to California last week which was very cleansing to my mind. She’s had horrific loss in her life and we connect on a deep level with very few words. We have a knowing between us that is very cherished and hard to describe. I have terrible PTSD from the last year of Brad’s life which culminates in anxiety that raises my blood pressure to extreme levels. Today I relayed a hard story, took my blood pressure and it was 193/105. I did all I could today to try and alleviate the anxiety, think through things logically but all in all it makes me furious that a person can cause this level of biological reaction in my body. How do you resolve that when your mind is saying it is ok but your actual body is having a major response that is actually somewhat life threatening. Grief is a MOTHER FUCKER and sorry if you think that is harsh but that is the only descriptive words I have for it. I hate how memories make me spiral, I’ve worked with therapists and basically they tell me the situation is so illogical that my brain can’t solve it. So I beg and pray for Jesus to give me forgiveness and forgetfulness, he will forgive all sins including mine. I’m so thankful for my faith. If I didn’t have a Savior to throw all the bad stuff to I’m not sure how I would survive this life. I recommend the freedom of “Giving it all to him” even though today I held it way too long. It is too heavy. Grief is the strangest and worst human experience. IT IS TOO HEAVY. But God says to give it to him…so I definitely try and most of the time succeed except on weird grief days. GRIEF is forever. I wish it wasn’t.

I can step back and be thankful for my dear friends and family that have covered me the last few months. We spread ashes, we had fun, we rested, we did what we wanted on vacation without the vacation nazi making us wake up early…sorry, not sorry Brad. Our rhythm is calm, I’m thankful for that. Carter moved to his first apartment that will change in a month to the final destination. I hope I will get used to the quiet these next two years. I imagine it will be an up and down of busy and quiet when the girls get settled here full time. Maybe in two years I’ll flip the script and do something completely different with our home and life…we’ll see. I’m really not sure I can move away from my gorgeous main suite. The one thing about being a single mom that fits in my core is I can do whatever the EFF I want. Truly my kids are first, my job/responsibilities are next but what is left is WILDCARD baby!

I guess what I wanted to really hit home on this post is that Grief is really hard, it is different for everyone, there needs to be a wide spectrum of acceptance, zero judgment (yep I’m having a hard time with this) and a focus on joy, health, life and blessings. I don’t do any of this well. I try very hard though. If I could wish away the bad days I 100% would. They sneak up on my like a freaking ninja. I just hang on until the sun rises the next day and I’m usually ok. Sending love and light to everyone and hanging on tight to those around me.